INVISIBILITY
In Australia we have a TV series called 'Packed to the Rafters'. It is a very down to earth TV show depicting the lives of an ordinary family 'the Rafters'. Last weeks show saw Ted (the grandfather and in his late 60's) get attacked on the street by a group of teenage girls. Later in the show Ted described how the older he got the more invisible in life he felt.
How true!!!
Now that the kid's are married and I'm on my own, I can relate to Ted's feelings of invisiblity.
There is a feeling, particuarly when you live alone, that life is passing you by and you wonder why you are still on this planet. The loneliness of 'oneself' can hit hard. That quiet night at home, the empitness of the house around you, the boredom of watching the TV, perhaps just watching anything for the company of another voice in the house, the effort involved in the simple things like just boiling the kettle for a 'cuppa' (just for one) becomes overwhelming. What's the point of life anymore. What am I useful for? Suddenly you begin to have fillings that your 'worth' means little to anyone else. While my kid's keep in contact reguarly , there is a sense that they have their own lives to live and families to raise and while being a 'POPPAR' is a very important position in life, there is still that deep inner feeling that when you leave this life, the world will go on without you. Now this is the way of life, and I experienced this from a young age in life when my father died very young, and I had to continue on, but sometimes that experience doesn't help, when it's a cold winter night and the four walls are closing in around you. It is amazing how loud the sound of your own breathing can become. I sometimes get my iphone out and go through all the contacts just to see if there is anyone I can ring just to have a 'chat'. No, can't ring them again or they might think something's wrong with me and that would never do.!!!!! We certainly don't want anyone else to know about our vunerability to lonliness Somtimes I just sit glaring at the TV with my phone beside, almost willing someone, anyone to ring me.
In the musical "CHICAGO" there is a song "Mr Invisible". Even though he's right there in the middle of what's happening, no-one can really see him and life goes on all around him. One one really gives him the time of day. Sometimes when I'm out with friends I feel like this. I'm there with all these people, all around me, but it sometimes feels like I'm not there, empty, lonely, exhausting. Giving outwardly all the signalls of 'being there' but deep inside 'no-one's at home'.
My cover at times like these is to be the life of the party. It give the impression to everyone that I'm enjoying myself. Always a joke, always a smile, a laugh out loud but deep down 'invisible' to me.
So why do I keep going out to these functions ? Well, God's got me here for a reason, (not sure why but then who am I to question God) and the way I cope with life's lonliness is to accept every invitation I can to go out with friends. It really doesn't matter what the function, it's all about the company. It does help overall. The hard part is defying the urge to stay and home when you really don't want to go out and go out anyway. Usually I find I will enjoy yourself. What you have to be repaired for is the 'letdown' after you get home and the four walls once again say 'hello'.
Well it's 11.30pm, time to go to bed. When I'm asleep, I don't have to think about these things. Wait the phone's ringing -- who would ring at this time of night ??? -don't they have any respect for those getting on in years ???
